Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Commencement Advice

Our church group is playing with a sketch about the world's worst commencement address.

I am not the lead writer, but threw some ideas out there. They aren't likely to be used, but I liked some of them too much to waste.

So here are a few gems of advice that I would imagine could come from the world's worst commencement speaker:

-With the tough economy, and dim job prospects, I’ve been hearing a lot that it is always darkest before the dawn. Which is very different from the way it used to be. When I was a kid, it was always Tony Orlando before the dawn.

-You will hear some strange advice. People will tell you to “hitch your wagon to a star.” I wouldn’t do that. First, it takes really long cords. Second, stars are hot. If you have a wagon, I suggest hitching it to a really large dog, like maybe a Saint Bernard.

-People will tell you that now is the best time to go out and live your dreams. I’m not sure about that. My dream is that recurring nightmare where I’m back in school and I didn’t study for a test and can’t remember my locker combination. You would think that the best time to live that dream is when you are still in school. But maybe those people giving that advice know something I don’t.

-Shoot for the moon. It’s so far away, that no one can ever prove you missed. Just point to a crater and say, “See, that’s what I was aiming for.” They can’t argue with success.

-As you enter the world, remember, your only limit is your imagination! And the speed limit. You still have the speed limit. Oh, and the coupon for a dollar off a can of Campbell’s soup at Albertson’s still has a limit of three per customer. But I think those three, imagination, speed and soup are your only limits.

This is why no one has asked me to speak at a graduation ceremony since 1983.

Just my thoughts,



Anonymous said...

I have always had a strange affinity for commencement speeches. I even have a book of them.

Can't wait to see what you've done! :)

TomH said...

The last two are definitely the funniest. Bravo!